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Wake Me Up Inside by Cardeno C.

Description:

A Book in the Mates Series

Zev Hassick is surprised and confused when he finds himself attracted to his best friend. His very human, very male best friend. Zev is the son of the pack Alpha, regarded as the strongest wolf in generations, born to lead. And everyone knows a male shifter has to mate with a female of his own kind to keep his humanity. So shifters can't be gay, right?

Jonah Marvel wants a relationship with Zev, his best friend, the man he has loved since childhood. It wasn’t easy to maintain that relationship over years spent living apart while Jonah studied to become a doctor. And then things grow more difficult when Jonah becomes his own patient. Before he can make a life with Zev, he has to understand his past and cure the unexplained ailments that plague him.

Zev and Jonah know they’re destined for each other, but they’re facing traditions ingrained over generations and long-buried secrets that may threaten any future together.

 

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Honorable Mention: Best Gay Paranormal/Horror

 

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Golden Rose Best Paranormal of 2012

ISBN-13978-1-61372-712-6
Pages250
Cover ArtistReese Dante
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Wake Me Up Inside by Cardeno C. eBook
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Chapter One


 


“I DON’T disagree with you, Mother, Clarissa is a very beautiful woman. But I’m not going to date her.”


Zev didn’t bother trying to hide the frustration in his voice. Honestly, how many times would he have to tell his family that he wasn’t interested in their setups? He leaned his large frame against the back of the leather couch and rubbed his palms over his eyes. He was exhausted. Sleep rarely came to him, and when it did, he remained partially alert, terrified of losing his humanity while he was unconscious. He was barely hanging on as it was; this intervention was the last thing he needed.


His Grandma Mae’s voice broke into his thoughts. Her frustration with Zev had reached such a high level that she was willing to question him, her Alpha, a practice unheard of in her generation. Then again, maybe it wasn’t just her frustration; maybe Zev’s attempts to bring their pack into modern times had been more successful than he’d realized.


“I don’t understand this, Zev. You’re thirty years old. Your grandfather and I had already been married for close to a decade by the time we were your age. It’s not natural or healthy for one of our kind to remain alone.”


As if that was his cue, his Grandpa Walter jumped into the conversation. Had they drawn numbers in advance so to determine the order in which to beat up on him?


“I realize you feel we’re intruding on your privacy, son, but any shifter with eyes can see the problems you’re having, and the reason is plain. Shifters are deeply sexual beings, but the….” Walter paused and swallowed hard, as if it pained him to continue the sentence, “… the women you’ve been using to meet your physical needs are half-souls. They aren’t enough to bind your humanity, especially for this many years. You’re a strong man and a strong wolf, Zev, the strongest I’ve seen in my lifetime. But no shifter can outrun his nature, not that I understand why you insist on trying. Whatever the reason, if you don’t tie with a shifter soon, your human side will be lost.”


Did his family members actually think they were telling him something he didn’t already know? Their only error was underestimating his strength and determination. Though the idea of meeting his sexual needs with humans—or half-souls, as shifters called them—repulsed his family, they were certain he’d been making a practice of it. How else could he have lived with both his human and wolf sides intact for three decades? They couldn’t fathom a shifter living that long without sharing at least some physical bond.


Well, they were wrong. Zev hadn’t tied with anyone—human or shifter—in his life, whether they believed him or not. But for how much longer? Returning from the change was becoming more and more difficult, with his wolf clinging to its form, not wanting his human to take over. And the longer the wolf remained in control of their body, the less likely it was that the human would be able to find his way to the surface again.


“There’s no point in denying it, Zev. We know what you’ve been doing, and we don’t judge you.”


Zev’s father was sincere. Gregory Hassick was still uncomfortable with the idea of a shifter engaging in sexual acts with humans, but over the years, he’d learned to live with his son’s oddities without looking down on him. After all, since Zev had begun his Alpha training, the Etzgadol pack had grown steadily, even more so since the young wolf had taken over as pack Alpha. And Zev had had equal success with the family business, which now earned an annual gross income that was more than double what it had been before Zev had taken over.


“Move your hands away from your face and look at us, Zev. This is serious. You cannot continue to choose this lifestyle. Your body cannot survive it.” Gregory Hassick’s voice was tight with worry.


Zev dropped his hands to his sides and opened his amber eyes, knowing they were bloodshot and surrounded by dark circles. When was the last time he’d truly rested? He combed his fingers through his straight brown hair and resisted the urge to yell. His family loved him. He knew that. And this conversation, no matter how misplaced, was a reflection of that love.


“How many times do I have to explain this, Father? I’m not choosing this. I hate being alone. I haven’t tied with any human women. I want to claim my mate more than anything.”


Lori scooted closer to him on the couch and took his hand. The new egalitarian pack structure Zev had put in place was helped tremendously by his strong sister. She led the pack females by example, and they all admired her. But having power within the pack didn’t change Lori’s nature, her need to protect the family, to keep it strong. She couldn’t go against their elders, which was why Lori had agreed to take part in this little family gathering. But neither would she speak against her brother, so she remained silent and tried to lend Zev support with her actions.


“Everyone wants a true mate, Zev,” Gregory told him. “But very few shifters get them. The rest of us fall in love and feel completely satisfied with our chosen partners. Your mother and I have been happy together for well over half of our lives without the mating bond. Please, it’s time to let go of childish fantasies and accept your fate. You haven’t been blessed with a true mate, but you can still live a full life. Just tie with Clarissa or one of the other females in the pack. What can it hurt to try? Best-case scenario, you find this true mate you insist exists. Worst-case scenario, you have more regular companionship and a proper tie.”


Zev couldn’t hold back the growl in his chest. He was tired of their constant refusals to acknowledge the existence of his true mate and their never-ending setup offers. His parents had long ago stopped pretending the offers were about dinner and a movie. Were his parents honest with these women about the purely sexual role they were expected to play in his life? Probably not. Nobody outside of his family knew the truth. Hell, even those within his family denied it, despite the fact that he’d been clear with them for years.


“Clarissa isn’t my true mate. And I’m not interested in her companionship.” He spat out his response, his tone expressing disgust with the very idea of their brand of companionship.


“Why not, Zev? Are her breasts too small? Is her hiney too big? Just talk to us, and we can help you. If the females in our pack aren’t satisfactory, we’ll find a female in a neighboring pack for you so you can make a physical tie.”


He winced. Now his other grandmother was engaged in the game. Had any other man ever faced an eighty-year-old woman offering him his choice of tits and ass? Dear God, please make it stop.


“I’m gay, Granny Betty. Any breasts at all are a deal-killer, and I haven’t ever paid attention to Clarissa’s, um, hiney.”


The diminutive gray-haired woman threw her hands in the air.


“Our kind can’t be gay, Zev. It just doesn’t work that way. A male shifter needs to tie with a female shifter in order to bind his humanity, and the female needs to accept that tie from the male in order to release her wolf. This is basic preschool information, dear.”


Zev dropped his head on top of his large hands, which were crossed over his knees. Yeah, he was very familiar with their kind’s version of the birds and the bees. Every shifter’s soul straddled two bodies: the wolf and the human. Women were naturally connected to their human side, but their wolf side was locked away, unable to find the freedom to run. Males, on the other hand, had free rein of their wolf from childhood, but their hold on their humanity was tenuous. The only way for a male shifter to retain his human form was to tie to a female shifter and absorb a portion of her humanity. Likewise, in order for a female shifter to retain her sanity she had to free her wolf from its cage, something that could be done only by accepting a male’s tie.


So, yeah, Zev knew the basic facts, but he’d long ago rejected the idea that they were absolute. Because to believe that would be to believe that he was unnatural, which couldn’t be true, since he’d been blessed with the most precious gift nature could offer a shifter: a true mate.


Of course, he had told his family the reason he hadn’t tied was because he was waiting for his true mate. His male true mate. The first time he’d said the words to his parents, they’d been shocked. Gregory yelled so loudly at his son that the windows literally shook, and Anita stood in the kitchen and cried. When Zev refused to back down, despite his parents’ protests, their feelings on the subject morphed into disgust, and they barred him from ever mentioning the issue again.


After several years passed without any female shifters in their son’s life, Anita and Gregory started to worry. They were too embarrassed to tell people about what they called Zev’s “condition,” but not knowing what else to do, they eventually relented and spoke to their own parents. All four of Zev’s grandparents insisted that they’d never heard of such a thing, and it couldn’t be true. So after that, Zev’s family grudgingly lived in a state of denial, refusing to acknowledge the possibility that he could actually be gay.


Sitting in his parents’ living room and fending off setup attempts made Zev realize there was a downside to empowering his pack to speak their minds—now he was forced to listen to them. Maybe he’d have been better off leaving things as they’d always been. Then nobody, and certainly not a female, even if she was an elder and a relative, would dare speak to the Alpha in such a condescending way.


Zev dismissed the thought as soon as it entered his head. He was glad his family cared, glad his grandmother felt confident enough to question him, and glad members of his pack felt confident enough to share their feelings. The pack was stronger for it, even if it meant Zev had to endure this emotionally debilitating family intervention. He raised his eyes and responded to his grandmother.


“I will not seek companionship with anyone other than my true mate. You know only shifters without true mates can choose a life partner. A mated wolf can be tied to his humanity only by his true mate. So having sex with Clarissa or any of the other females in the pack won’t get the job done anyway. And despite what you think, I do, in fact, have a true mate. Our souls are connected at the heart; that’s not something a shifter can mistake. I can feel the bond all the way down in my bones.”


Oh, Zev had been confused at first, sure. The feelings he had didn’t make sense in the context of what he’d been taught. But no lessons, not even those that explained the very fabric of his kind’s makeup, could override the single most important truth that coursed through Zev’s body: the awareness of his true mate. So before he’d reached his second decade, Zev had already accepted the idea that he was gay, despite the fact that it went against everything his pack thought was natural or even possible.


Zev looked at his Grandpa Hugh and Grandma Betty, imploring them to help. They were the only true mated pair in the family, and one of the few true mated pairs in the history of the pack. Surely they understood the power of the bond. It was absolute. Zev could no sooner satisfy the need to tie with his true mate by tying with another shifter than he could satisfy the need to breathe air by inhaling water.


Hugh squeezed Betty’s hand and looked at his beloved grandson sympathetically.


“If you have a true mate, Zev, then you have a duty to her. She needs you in order to release her wolf or she will lose her mind. What if you’re abandoning your true mate, Zev? What if you haven’t found her because you’re not willing to keep an open mind about females?”


Zev rolled his eyes, too frustrated to care that it was an incredibly childish and disrespectful gesture. He often wondered whether his family would believe he was gay if he told them he’d long known the identity of his true mate. Maybe then they’d stop writing off his refusal to sleep with shifter females as some stubborn philosophical exercise.


But no matter how much Zev loved and trusted his family, he wasn’t willing to take that risk. Nobody would believe Zev if he identified Jonah as his mate, and the human would be perceived as a threat to the pack structure. The easiest way to eliminate that threat would be to eliminate the interloper. The basic principles of their kind were so ingrained, and so fundamentally based on the need for shifter males to tie with shifter females, that he feared harm could come to his mate if the pack knew the identity of the man destined to tie with their Alpha.


No, Zev couldn’t risk his mate’s safety. The only way for him to acknowledge Jonah’s role in his life would be to first tie with him. Then the mating bond would be complete, and nobody would be able to dispute their relationship. Or his sexuality.


“If my mate were anywhere within ten miles of here, my senses would pick that up. Blind dates aren’t how we find our true mates. But if you’re so concerned that I’m abandoning my mate, I’ll make you a deal. I promise to meet with whomever you want, on a platonic basis, to see if she’s my mate, and in return you promise that when I do find my mate and make the tie, you’ll support the mating in every way.”


The relief in his parents and grandparents was palpable. All six of the tense bodies sitting around him relaxed, and smiles took over their faces. His sister squeezed his hand and winked at him. Zev was certain she’d known his mate’s identity nearly as long as he had, though neither of them had ever spoken the words out loud.


“Of course we will, dear. A mating is a blessing.” His mother’s pretty face shone.


“Even more so when it’s for the Alpha, because it unveils the heart of our pack,” his Grandpa Hugh added with a wistful look on his face.


Zev knew the older shifter was likely remembering his own mating, when Grandma Betty had joined him in leading the Etzgadol pack as the Alpha female. Of course, it’d be different with his mating. Lori was already the Alpha female, and Jonah clearly couldn’t take that role. But there was no reason to point out those details now.


“You and your mate will be supported by us and the entire pack.” His father’s deep baritone voice left no room for debate. It was certain and sure. A vow.


Zev rose from the sofa, straightening all six feet seven inches and pulling back his broad shoulders.


“Then we have a deal. I’ll tie with my mate when the time comes, and you’ll stand behind us. No matter who she”—he looked pointedly at the faces of the seven people he loved most in the world, other than the man missing from the room, of course—“or he is. Good night.”


And with those words Zev turned and walked to the front door, ignoring the growls coming from behind him. They’d given him their word, and it would bring unforgivable dishonor on their ancestors to go back on that vow, so he knew his family would keep their promise. As for the rest of the pack, it’d be a challenge, a possibly insurmountable challenge, even with both past Alphas and the current Alpha standing together.


A tie between two males threatened to disrupt everything the pack had been taught about a female’s connection to her human side and a male’s connection to his wolf side. And, as if the idea of two males accomplishing a tie wouldn’t be enough to cause widespread panic, Jonah wasn’t just a male. He was a human—a half-soul—not a shifter. And everyone knew that a shifter couldn’t tie with a half-soul.


But when the time came, the pack could either stand with Zev or find new territory. The Etzgadol pack land had belonged to the Hassick family for ten generations. And with his grandparents, parents, and sister by his side, Zev was guaranteed that he’d be able to continue that legacy. Even if it meant doing it while building a new pack to lead. And Zev knew if that’s what it’d take to be with Jonah Marvel, he’d do it without a second thought. He’d do whatever was needed to claim and keep his true mate.

Write a review
Reviews and Ratings:

    Date Added: Thursday 13 February, 2014
    by J9 @ The Book Vixen

    One of the best MM romances I’ve recently read. 

     

     

    Read the full review at

    http://www.thebookvixen.com/2013/01/book-review-wake-me-up-inside-by_7.html

    Rating: 4 of 5 Stars [4 of 5 Stars]
    Date Added: Wednesday 5 December, 2012
    by Sammy at Reviews by Jessewave

    "The sweeping developing love story between the two men, presented in flashback format was incredibly sweet, sexually hot and so slow moving that you really wanted these guys to mate already and get the deed done! The anticipation of their full mating (read intercourse) was a tangible thing and the anticipatory build up to it was well crafted and allowed for the reader to really examine the character of each man–learn what made them tick inside."

    4 stars

    Read the full review at http://reviewsbyjessewave.com

    Rating: 4 of 5 Stars [4 of 5 Stars]
    Date Added: Friday 24 August, 2012
    by James R.
    Blurb: Zev Hassick is the Alpha male of his pack of shape shifters. He comes from a long line of alphas and has the strength and instinct to prove it. He is also gay, which, according to pack lore, is impossible. Zev must contend not only with this lore but also with his family’s nagging and migraine creating interventions. Having been stricken by one Jonah Marvel at an early age and hopelessly falling in love even before knowing what a “true mate” is, Zev must force himself into inaction on that love until he feels Jonah is ready to fully accept who and what Zev is. Little does he realize what the cost of that waiting will be. Jonah Marvel has had a ‘special’ friend since a very early age; a wolf, which he has affectionately called Pup. He has found no necessity to inform others of this special friend but neither has he kept it deliberately hidden; their connection simply is. He has also been best friends with Zev for almost as long. When Jonah finally proclaims his love for Zev it sends Zev running, in his wolf form, but only after some mind blowing sex. But Zev returns and announces that Jonah’s love is indeed reciprocated. It then becomes increasingly difficult for Jonah to comprehend why Zev seems to be holding back on sexually expressing that love in a fashion that Jonah finds himself in desperate need of. He begins to question his sanity and cannot comprehend why he feels like his insides want to escape their prison. Zev & Jonah find that simply falling in love is not all there is to love. They must learn communication as well as sexual reciprocation. Frustration is certainly not a fulfillment of love that either expected nor does either of them deal with it without mental anguish. Is their love strong? It appears to be based on something deeper than physical attraction but are they strong enough to work beyond the physical and build the necessary foundation to withstand time itself? Or is there just too much angst between “happy” and “ever after” to survive? Review: This tale is the author’s first endeavor into the realm of paranormal romance. Let us hope that it is not the last. Wake Me Up Inside certainly woke me up inside. Once again Cardeno has managed to captivate the reader from the first paragraph and refused to allow a release until the final word. Previous stories by Cardeno C. have had heartfelt emotions at their core and that most certainly is not missing here either. If you like angst, you will have it aplenty. If you’re a true romantic wishing for, well, whatever true romance brings, that’s in here as well. If however, you are simply looking for a quick read to pass the time, then pass this by, that ain’t happenin’ here; you, like me, will be drawn in, desperately in need of the next word, wanting your fix of Cardeno C.
    Rating: 5 of 5 Stars [5 of 5 Stars]
    Date Added: Sunday 19 August, 2012
    by WILBERT M.
    4.5 Stars The Thirteenth Pillar picks up right where The Thirteenth Child ended, yea! To say that I love Cole and his rag-tag band of misfit detectives is an understatement. Cole, a sidhe warrior, and Joss, his human lover and boss, work together to solve a series of murders. Corhagen, another detective and Cole’s seriously repressed – so in the closet he’s probably lost forever – ex, is also part of Section 13. Sadly, he spends too much time making snide comments to and about Cole and Joss, and not enough on finding himself. (Let’s just say that there is a shower scene where Cole is summoned. . . bad timing for Cole and Joss, but Corhagen kinda deserved what he ‘got’.) A series of child murders, along with a teacher’s, leads them to a private school which in turn, leads to the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, a group that would love to enslave or wipe out the fey races. From there things get really complicated and hot. Just as they think they’re closing in on the ‘bad guy’ a blizzard arrives, the Order visits, and relationships are strained. Some of the cast from book 1 return (Mal the ghost sorcerer that now controls the realm Cole lives in), Cole’s double-headed sword and twin guns (no pointing out they aren’t people) and the members of Section Thirteen . . . But we also meet some new and wonderful beings – pixies, a trow, a tree dryad that Cole sings for, fey wolves, and more. J.L writes with such a rich brush that even though you know they aren’t real and that these atrocities didn’t happen, the characters still feel so real you can’t help but pray for their safety and hope that things work out as they should. There is so much more I could mention. The characters are fun, the plot powerful, the sex HOT – oh yes, the sex is HOT ;) The third book was just released last month and that’s what’s next on my TBR pile (I moved it to the top thanks to this one leaving me desperate for more!)
    Rating: 5 of 5 Stars [5 of 5 Stars]
    Date Added: Sunday 23 February, 2014
    by Christy D.
    I'm running out of adjectives to describe how much I adore shifter stories. I'm really running out of them to describe stories that throw a unique twist into the stereotypical lore. How about "revere, venerate, flip for, worship"? That's how I felt reading this first book in the 'Mates' series by Cardeno C. In this world the shifters are raised to believe that male shifters have a hold of their wolf sides from a young age, but their human sides are not as stable, and the female shifters are the opposite. Thus when they reach adulthood, males and females tie to one another, true mates being exceedingly rare, and the female cements the male's human, while the male helps release the female's wolf. If the male shifter goes too long without mating or tying, he begins to lose his human side. Zev is a very strong alpha wolf. He has been since he was a baby when he started shifting after he was a year old. He's known who his mate was since that first shift, because his wolf found him, Jonah, a boy and a half-soul, as the shifters call humans. For Zev announcing he was gay was a horror for their family as they believe it's impossible to be gay since the shifter needs a female to help secure his human side. Zev knew from early on he had to keep Jonah a secret as his family wouldn't understand a male true mate, but he did everything possible to sneak away and be able to spend time together. Now Zev is thirty and he's waiting for Jonah to come back, because Zev can't tell Jonah about himself being a wolf, or true mates or tying until Jonah finishes college and comes home. Jonah's been in love with his best friend for as long as he can remember. When Jonah and Zev are finally able to admit how they feel, Jonah is in heaven until he has to leave for college. Not only does Jonah leave for college, his dad sells the house and takes a job closer to the college, leaving no way for Jonah to come home to visit. When Jonah tells Zev he's going to medical school which will cause more years of waiting, Zev isn't sure he can make it. All in all, Zev and Jonah are apart for more than twelve years, with limited visits in those years. And, unfortunately, by the time Jonah completes medical school, he is beginning to think he's going crazy. Not knowing he's suffering from being away from his mate, instead, Jonah actually believes he might be mentally ill. When Jonah finally comes home after his residency is over, he's almost at the breaking point, physically and mentally. Zev doesn't know what to make of Jonah as he is behaving much like female shifters who've waited too long to tie. When they do finally mate (tie), Zev is shocked to see Jonah shift into a white wolf. What they discover from there is amazing and intense. And, no, I can't tell because it's a huge spoiler. I absolutely loved this story and Zev and Jonah have joined my list of favorite couples. Their love story was, on the one hand, amazingly sweet having begun as babies essentially, and on the other hand, hotter than hot as they waited through all those years to be together. I can't recommend this book enough. If you love shifters, then this is the story for you. NOTE: This book was provided by Dreamspinner Press for the purpose of a review on Rainbow Book Reviews
    Rating: 5 of 5 Stars [5 of 5 Stars]
    Date Added: Saturday 22 September, 2012
    by Shirley Q.
    Rarely does a book affect me like this book has. I am a very emotional person and so emotions and how the author expresses them on the page is an important element to me in the books I read. From the first chapter the author managed to capture and express the emotions beautifully. First giving us glimpses into Zev's feelings. His inner turmoil over having a human male mate and how that impacted on his Alpha duties, his hesitancy when he first found out that his connection with Jonah ran deeper than merely friendship and his absolute acceptance in his love and attraction to Jonah. The story is told in flashbacks and mixed point of views, which at first was hard to get used to but it was brought together so seamlessly that I adjusted quickly to it. What really helped was that both characters were fully developed and their voices were very distinct. Jonah's "voice" made an appearance at precisely the right time - just when I was wondering "And how does Jonah feel about Zev?" Another very important element to me is dialog. Zev and Jonah's was filled with humor, banter and honesty. This helped me connect to them more fully. I was laughing out loud with Zev. His sarcastic humor and some of his comments just endeared him to me so much. Their time together was playful, humorous and sensual and when they got together that first time?! I found myself thinking it was THE. HOTTEST. SCENE. EVER and I have read many, many sex scenes, but the emotion was so very palpable in this one that really, I was blown away. Kudos to the author. That Heineken was drained dry by the time I had read that scene for the third time. As per usual, the writing was excellent. The pace was very good and the world the author created was very interesting. Very different too from other shifter books I have read. The 'mate bond' was believable and explained very well as was the 'tie in' of the mates. I got a clear picture of what the author wanted to bring across the page. Mainly Zev and Jonah's connection and how that related to the world they lived in. This was a great start of the series and I am definitely looking forward to reading more of it.
    Rating: 5 of 5 Stars [5 of 5 Stars]
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